leadfoot blogging at elowel.org
long time. 08-09-06 05:19
wow, its been a while...

here's a quick update:

school ends this week, sorority recruitment is next week, i've been keeping uber busy with everything.

jason is gone
anna is gone
nick r is gone
phil is gone
dan is gone
my cat Blue is gone
brian is moving from chicago to ohio
rob won't talk to me
lime will be leaving soon

i recently met two guys... both are very good looking, one of which i'm leaning more towards than the other, due to time and distance, and other things.

the one i'm leaning towards is named chase. i'm kind of excited... i get to see him again tonight, i'll keep everyone updated.

and i have a test today.

time to go study for that. lata gatas!
sad 07-06-06 13:27
I think that i'll be combining my elowel account with my livejournal account and be moving on over to blogger... i'll also be making a family-friendly website with a censored blog and photos for my family members to look at...

but i'll definately be coming here to vent "privately" if need be, and i'll let everyone know what my new alias is online.

lata gatas.
Wow... 06-22-06 16:54
This is certainly has been an exciting past few days for me...

odd how things keep balancing out...

so. here's the run down

i met hot waiter guy, we're messaging on myspace and now text messaging too - not too sure what to think of this.

probably bombed my final, everyone i've talked to thought it was horrible. but i've met a lot of new people. I'm friends with thaddaeus, and now eric (eric is in the next level class during the same time we had statics and so we were all always studying at the same time). both of which seem to be cool guys and good friends. they invited me to go to Worlds of Fun with them, but I think i may decline, for the simple fact I just don't know them well enough...

so after bombing my final i decided to call nate, since i hadn't seen him since he was back in town. he invited me over to branden's, but while i was on my way over there he texted me saying "lef's here"

great.

so i called him immediately and came up with a plan to hang out w/o lef... i asked nate to go to the car lot w/ the car i want on it with me. i'm in love with this car, and if i could, i would have drove it home on the spot. And i'm beyond glad that Nate came with because the owner of the car lot was a druken douchebag bastard.

After that we needed to look up some specs, but the closest place and the only place we could think of to do that was Branden's... Lef and Jimmy had left to go and grab some pizzas, so I Nate coaxed me into stopping by. I have never been more nervous than when Lef and Jimmy walked back in the door, but I didn't want to be a kindergartener about the issue and cause a huge scene. But there's no way I can ignore how he treated me. So I just made no effort to talk to him whatsoever. He offered me some pizza and that was the extent of our conversation. But so much of me wanted to stand up and slap him while yelling at him... and then so much of me thought "and seeing you reminds me why i liked you in the first place" thinking why couldn't you look horrible for once and not be charming for once and not know anything about anything i care about (cars) for once?

so after dealing with that, which there was nothing to deal with, we just accepted the fact that we were there and didn't act much different, i went home to work on my philosophy test - which was surprisingly easy.

i woke up this morning, went to class, and studied for my calc test w/ thaddaeus. he's a cool cat. he let me vent about my work. i ran home after studying to grab my laptop so i could proofread and finish my paper while hanging out w/ anna and phil - and guess what came in the mail.

the letter i've been waiting for, from seth.

it was sweet, sweet in a way that i know it bought closure for him but it opened up a whole nother can of emotions for me. so much of me wants to respond... respond with *something* but i know the best thing to do is nothing. Like the past year. It feels like longer.

I want to punch something.

hanging out w/ anna and phil was awesome, i finished my paper, watched underworld evolution, got a nice nap in, and went to class for a total of 3 minutes and now i'm at CD studying... well... writing.

i should be studying

on the way here i talked with jimmy about yesterday - he had a rough day as well so i called to see how he was doing, then he asked me what i thought about last night... lef thought it was weird that i was there, didn't wanna deal with the confrontation, but oh well. too bad. i'm not going anywhere.

so yeah. now i'm going to study. then i'm going to dinner w/ leslie
then i'm going to study some more :)

have a good night everyone... i'm sure i'll need to type some more later.
al;sdjfl;asdjf 06-21-06 05:44
super hot waiter found me on myspace.

:0D

no, he's not my friend yet. we're messaging first.

a;lsdkfla;sjdfl;asjfla;jsdfl;asjf

he used to teach break dancing and hip hop dancing. and he paints.

*sigh*

i'll stop swooning now and get my ass out of bed and to school. lata gatas.
A W K W A R D 06-19-06 19:29
yeah... i got to have class with "Joe" tonight.

bleh.

i'm so annoyed.

but besides that, i went to olive garden today and the super hot waiter was continually hitting on me..

i'm not used to that. well. unless you count rusty, but its rusty and he doesn't really hit on me as much as he just makes fun of me ;) but yeah. here's the story.

there's a couple of groups of people in front of us (me and karen) when we walk in the door, i walked through first and immediately made eye contact with this pretty good lookin guy. my height or a little shorter, medium build, blonde hair, scruffy face, gorgeous eyes and smile. - he smiles at me and i'm not sure what to do so i think i quickly looked away at something on the wall.. or i was looking for something else to look at as we waited for our turn at the hostess stand.

as soon as the people in front of us started following their hostess he dashed over to the menu thing, grabbed two, and said "i'll seat them." he asked if we wanted a table or booth, we told him we didn't have a preference.. this is when he said "okay, i'll seat you in my section." as he turns to me and smiles again. almost all of his comments and looks and smiles were directed at me, with full eye contact.

throughout dinner whenever he would say something to me i would turn bright red blushing, and karen would start laughing at me as soon as he walked away. ahhhhh. but he was so cute.

i'm smart enough to know not to just leave my number - how awkward would it be to leave my number, come back, and he had never called me and he was my waiter again! very awkward. also, i wonder how many girls he does that to a week just trying to get better tips. i mean, i gave him a damn good tip, because i tip well anyway - rusty can attest to that, but not just because he was flirting with me, but because he was a very attentive waiter.

anywho. that was interesting. and i got to thinking - what if that is the guy who works at olive garden who owns the green VW golf gti???

this could be destiny. i'm making karen go back with me next week :) hahahaha.

he mentioned something about finding me on myspace... shouldn't be hard since i paid with my debit card. we'll see if he actually does though.

*le sigh*

besides that. the day has been pretty good - but now i'm off to ted n wally's and i'm gonna do some studying tonight...

i just feel really... happy about life. good things are balancing out the bad things right now, and i'd like it to stay that way.

:)
06-19-06 12:10
This weekend was probably the best weekend i've had all summer.

Well, that I can think of at the moment anyway...

oh yes.

now its time for me to take a nap.

Frustrated beyond belief 06-15-06 12:27
Alright...

So, In evaluating my friends, I've always thought to myself 'I'm really fucking lucky to have the friends I do, because they are awesome.' Except... recently... I'm needing to RE-evaluate a few friendships. The shit just keeps happening... I really am done trying, and this was the last straw.

I just wonder if perhaps because of the high stress load I'm under, which created the high emotional response to the situation, is also creating a giant over-reaction. I don't know, but I'm going to write about it anyway.

So I've been talking about Okoboji... since like, I heard about it. I had a blast last year and I was really looking forward to going at the end of the summer. A. because I had so much fun and B. because it was the only vacation I can fit in my summer... which is really strange, considering for the past 11 years I was gone almost every weekend racing soapbox.

So we (3 couples and me, one couple are really good friends of mine: I'll call them Jane and Joe) have been planning this for a few months now and I was instantly excited when Jane told me about the weekend. Well, I have class, so I can't go up the whole week when everyone else leaves so I was planning on doing like I did last year - going up on friday and staying for the weekend.

However, going up on friday means I don't have anyone to ride or drive with me, so I was planning on bringing someone - last year I took my boyfriend at the time.

So there are a few people I had in mind, none of them were 100% for various reasons. I don't want to go by myself, mainly because the three couples that are up there have all been dating for 2+ years - that can be really uncomfortable. So my first thought was to take someone whom I am romantically interested in.. I will leave names out, but if you've talked to me recently you probably know who I'm talking about. Problem is, he doesn't know everyone that will be there - so I had planned on getting everyone together to hang out before hand. Then I thought about asking Lime, but I was afraid that Lime might not want to go because there is usually some drinking involved up there (which i could care less to partake in or not), and she's been going out of town insane amounts so I didn't know what her schedule was like (seems like we switched travelling roles, haha). And then I thought about asking Jason, because I decided not to go on float trip and Jason leaves for 5 years in August and I thought it might be nice to have a good time one of the last weekends he is in town.

So I've ran all of these ideas by Jane and Joe, briefly, but more prominently I have mentioned my current romantic interest. I've mentioned the idea to them several times, and now looking back I have noticed they have been hinting for me to just come by myself.

Well, shit hit the fan yesterday. Joe called me, sort of awkwardly, and asked me if I had a minute to talk. He asked if I had asked Mr. Interest to go yet, I told him no, and he told me "good" and I just kind of waited for what was following that.. then the conversation went like this:

very matter of factly/sternly:
J: I mean not to be a dick about this or anything, but, I mean, last year when you brought jamie, i mean, I just think it would be weird for you to bring Mr. Interest because none of us no him.
M: silence
J: I don't even know who he is.
M: .... okaay...
J: And I don't mean to be mean or nothin' but we just think it would be weird for you to bring him so we don't want you to invite him, do you see what i'm saying? I just don't think it would be a good idea.
M: ........ (not sure what to say and to end this conversation very quickly) "well... actually. I have been more seriously thinking of asking Liz because her birthday is in July and then I could buy her a ticket to the river riot."
J: Oh really? oh. okay then. Well I just had to tell you that.
M: yea. well. i have to go now, i'm driving.
J: bye
M: yeah, bye. *TEEARRS*
----
this bothered me because A - why couldn't they have brought this up sooner?
B. what was SO fucking weird about last time? I had to meet new people when I went up there, why the FUCK can't they meet new people?
C. I think it is only weird because THEY made it weird. It is just as much as my fault for bringing Jamie as it is their fault for not making it easier for him.
D. Mr. Interest and Jamie are two VERY different people, and they didn't even give him a chance, nor have they even bothered to try getting to know him on previous occasions - or offer up 'we want to meet him before you ask him' or anything like that, which seems to be the way it goes with most of the guys i'm interested in (as far as them not trying to meet them). They just have thier little clique and as long as they have each other that's all that matters.
E. the other day when I was discussing this further with Jane, she told me 'oh i've been meaning to tell you, one of the girls and her boyfriend broke up so now she's just bringing a friend'. so... why would her bringing a friend that no one knows be different from me bringing a friend that no one knows.

So all of this was stewing, I was crying, and venting and trying to make sense of what just happened when I got to thinking about when Jane first told me about Okoboji. Now, after last year, we had all agreed "yeah, we need to try to do this again next year! it was a lot of fun," so when Jane came to me a few months ago and said "hey, i wanted to tell you that we are booking a cabin again in okoboji for the last week in july" that meant "hey you're invited" but the more i got to thinking about it, the more i thought - maybe i was wrong, all the hinting, and all the conversations i was thinking of were streaming in my mind and things were not adding up.

So I texted Jane and asked her to call me when she had a chance.
she calls while I was at nick's house, stewing to myself debating on whether or not i should vent to jamie.

M: hello?
Jane: whatsup? - which sounded very forced and awkward
M: not much, what's going on?
J: just calling you.
M: oh, well how was your sister's birthday party?
J: we didn't do anything. i just thought I should be home with her.
M: oh... are you feeling any better?
J: yeah, a little bit.
- silence-
M: okay, well, i wanted to ask you a question about okoboji.
J: what.
M: ... I got to thinking about when you first told me about it, and I guess I just needed to check... Am I even invited? I mean, I just assumed I was because we had all talked about it last year, and you brought it up to me... so thats why I thought I was. It's okay if I'm not, and I"m sorry If I have invited myself along, but I wanted to ask you.
J: Well. We never really talked about it.
M: ... ok...
J: I mean, I brought it up to (other girl who is planning it) yesterday, but we didn't talk about it.
M:... ok... well.. I'm sorry that I invited myself along, I guess I just assumed because of conversations last year.
J: that's okay.
M: ... *tearing up now*... well that's all I have, so I'll talk to you later or osmething.
J: Bye. click.

MAJOR TEARS INSERTED here.

why would she have brought it up to me if i wasn't invited? and why had they waited until 3 months later, when its a month away, to tell me that i'm not - and the fact that they didn't even tell me, i had to ASK them is what hurts the most. These are supposed to be two of my best friends, and I feel like they are just treating me like shit.

Last night Joe sent me an e-mail apologizing for 'being a dick and being mean' on the phone because he 'hates being in situations like that' and he said that 'its not like we don't want you to come up.' but you know what... it has been made *very* clear that I am unwelcome on their trip. If my invitation is something that still needs to be 'talked about' then obviously there is some sort of doubt. and i don't want them to feel like they have to invite me because they feel bad that i *thought* i was invited, and at the same time - i don't want to impose on them either. so i have made up my mind:

no matter what happens from the time i replied to his e-mail to the time they go to okoboji: i'm just plain not going.

This really was the last straw for me this week - i've been on the verge of a breakdown for about a month and i think it all came last night, of course, the night before my test i purposely made extra time to study for... instead i spent my time crying. by the time i finally went home last night, i was so upset when i was explaining this to jason that i actually got sick to my stomach. i normally do anything needed to hold back from getting sick, but last night i couldn't hold it down and my throat got all scratched so today i don't have much of a voice. i even woke up early this morning to talk to my mom - something i never do.

i guess i feel hurt that i'm not invited, i feel like a dumbass for inviting myself along, and i feel ridiculous that it hurts so much and that i'm making such a big deal out of it. so much of me wants to just drop this and not be mad, but i feel like i have a right to be upset at this. and it just pointed out some more flaws in our friendships, i guess.. i don't know.

i'm just bothered by this, and i don't know how not to be.

i wonder if this is only a big deal because i haven't really had any other drama to deal with this summer so this just takes the cake for me -- i don't know. i just needed to write. and if you read all of this, thanks for listening to be vent and ramble, elowelians. don't be too harsh on me in your criticism. not today.
The Love Love Story. 06-13-06 10:36
So I know that everyone (everyone who reads my LJ and myspace and AIM profile) is probably sick of me complaining about school. Sorry, but I can't really help much. Y'know how finals week is... when you have entirely wayy too many tests wayyy too close to each other and there's so much other stuff going on like end of the year parties and people graduating and projects due and people moving home and people going home that you get really flustered because you can't do everything, but you want to.

Yeah... I'm going on week 3 of that. With one more week of it to go. After next week life should be less-hectic and more fun-filled, and THAT excites the hell out of me. But for right now... school sucks ass, and I'm not doing so hot.

Really, If you want to have any life at all during the summer, don't take more than two summer classes at once.

Things were okay until Calc came along and we have this 4 sections a day, one test a week bull shit on top of my other classes coming up on finals! bleh.

no good at all.

In other news... Anna came home :) We went to CD last night and had story time, she basically told me the last two months of her life, and i told her the last two months of my life and now we are almost pretty much all caught up and can go on our merry way. Except... she leaves for a year (China) Early July. Poop on that.

However, Phil, the uber hot uber awesome best friend of anna is coming to live with her until they leave, because he too is going to China for a year.

Backstory: Phil love loves Anna, Anna doesn't Love Love Phil, she just loves him.

Why this backstory? Because I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to Love Love Phil and for Phil to Love Love me. And then I would Love Anna, Anna would Love Phil, Phil would Love Love me and just accept that Anna won't ever Love Love him.

Did i mention he's from Hawaii?

I'm ohh so excited :) hahaha.

Anyway, I should *really* get to work on calculus now, and then on statics. Have a fantastic day everyone!

06-09-06 18:13
bleh
so yeah. 05-21-06 08:16
so last thursday at dinner w/ jenny i saw creepy foot man. you know, the one from my studying endeavors? yeah. he's the manager of the panera on 76th and dodge.

creepy.

it took me until we left to put my finger on why i recognized him, and then when i was walking out the door he made eye contact with me and it hit me... and i proceeded to scurry out as fast as i could.

and then on friday i had a super bad day. overall.
bad things just kept happening or things would just go wrong.
then rusty fixed me at 3am saturday morning.

yesterday i had planned on studying - i was terribly unsuccessful, but today i have a study date at the library w/ leslie and don so hopefully i can get something accomplished there!!

and now: off to go put food in my belly and study!
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